New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
