You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
