I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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