Swine flu. Run for my life!
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
