She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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