I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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