If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
