Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
