can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
