just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
