The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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