I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
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When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
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Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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