proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
