I skipped work to stalk him.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
