its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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