take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
