So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
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