You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
