my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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