Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
