Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
