I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
