yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
