tonight lets celebrate not being married
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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