I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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