just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
