Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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