Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
