I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i drank out of a bidet.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
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I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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