Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
