Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I stole a fireplace last night.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
