I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you will always have a special place in my vag
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
