I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?