I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
