Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
well most of my day revolves around power hour
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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