I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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