Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
