In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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