Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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