Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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