the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
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The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
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It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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