Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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