if i can run in heels then i can drive
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Of course I have a pirate flag
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
