i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
false alarm. still invincible.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
