I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
