how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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