Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
is that a dick in a sweater?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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