im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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