if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
