every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
