i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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