college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I think i got beer on your cat.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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