He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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