So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
