Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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