Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
