3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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